You Are My Hope

I am a Panhead for life. No band has had a bigger impact on my life than Skillet, and no song has been as impactful on me as the one that this post's title is taken from. Listen to the song here.

When I was 12 years old, life was...complicated. I was finishing my second year in a new city and a new school district, after being in the previous city and district for just one year. Nothing at that point felt stable. I made friends quickly and easily, but I had a fear of getting too close, not knowing when the next change would be that would take me away from them. All of this while dealing with the new-found realities of that wonderful time in life we call "adolescence."

Along with these changes, though, came some other changes that I simply was not ready for. That year saw the beginning of the end of my parents' relationship. As they grew more distant from each other, I felt a stronger burden to look after my nine-year-old brother and three-year-old sister, forgetting in the process that I needed to take care of myself and allow myself to be twelve. At school, I began to see firsthand the cruelty of other children. Some would pick on me for my weight. Others would spread rumors, saying that my best friend and I were gay. School became a volatile environment, and home became less and less of a sanctuary.

I don't think I knew just how much all of these things were affecting me, until one night, when my family was driving home from I don't even know where, I began thinking. There was music playing in the background, but I ignored it. My parents and siblings carried on their own conversations in the car. I just carried on in my head.

Nothing was stable. My family was falling apart. My "friends" seemed to just want to bring me down. I was overwhelmed. I felt so insignificant, so hopeless. I had gone through what I felt was too much, and I simply did not want to take any more. In that back seat, I made a decision to end it all when I got home. I didn't know how, but my resolve was set.

Or so I thought.

While we were just a couple miles away from our trailer park, the song on the radio I was ignoring changed, and I heard nine words that resonated all too perfectly with me:

"Times are hard, times have changed, don't you say?"

 "Yeah, you can say that again!" I thought.

"But I keep holding on to You."

Of course there's always a big "but" in the way. My mind, that just seconds before was completely consumed with ending my life, was now completely consumed in listening intently to the lyrics of this song.

"It's hard to keep the faith alive day to day,Leaning on the strength I've found in You. You're the hope of all the earth!"

Holding on. Faith. Strength. Hope. Concepts that were all too familiar to this pastor's grandson who grew up in church. And at that point, more than possibly any other in my life, they were words that I needed to hear again. As the chorus played, I broke down into tears - not because it was anything overly profound, but simply because it was a constant reaffirming of exactly what I needed to hear.

"You are my hope, You are my strength,You're everything, everything I need.You are my hope, You are my life,You are my hope, You are my hope."

Talk about the right song in the right place at the right time. Where thoughts of ending my life reigned supreme moments before, thoughts came rushing in of times I shouldn't have lived through that God sustained me through anyway - amniotic fluid in my lungs at birth, running across Southport Road in Indianapolis at the age of two, getting struck by lightning when I was eight. God had a purpose for me. The enemy was terrified of that purpose, and I was giving him too much attention. How could I have forgotten God's faithfulness?

I was a mess, only now it was a different kind of mess. The chaos of my life situations no longer seemed important. And at that point, I didn't even care about the tear stains on my cheeks. As Skillet continued singing about God's eternity being etched in me and the announcement made by angels and nations that Jesus reigns, I cried and prayed, then I cried some more and prayed some more. I rededicated my life to Christ with a new found determination. If I was going to live, it was going to be for Him. Just a few short months later, God revealed His calling to Officership in The Salvation Army on my life, a calling that I am living out today.

Did the hard times go away? Of course not. Within two years, my parents divorced. My family moved again - new city, new school. But this time, I had a different focus. I knew more about my purpose. I believed in what God was doing in my life, and even through numerous hardships, I have continued to find Him faithful.

And that, my friends, is why I am convinced that Skillet is the greatest band of all time. After all, you could almost say that they saved my life.

"All the times that I start to sink,
You come and You rescue me."